Divorce can be an ugly word when you’re on the receiving end of getting served papers. One of the heartbreaking aspects of my job is helping couples who are contemplating divorce. There are many reasons why people divorce. Some of their reasons are valid, some are not.
When people decide to marry most never consider the possibility of ever getting divorced. Let’s face it, you invite your friends and family to your wedding to witness your vows being said to each other promising to be together for better or for worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part! Never will you hear the preacher ask, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife until you decide to divorce?” Of course not! Divorce can be of the most painful experiences you will ever encounter outside the death of a loved one. If you honestly think about it, divorce is like a death. The difference, obviously, is your ex spouse will always be in your life especially if you have children together.
Why do couples divorce? I am asked that many times during marriage counseling. There are many reasons. One of the major reasons I’ve discovered is that couples fail to communicate with each other. As one person shuts down the other may try to share feelings and concerns. It’s painful to have your spouse ignore you when you’re trying to make peace and repair the relationship. Communication can help ease the pain of common difficulties we all face including financial stress, health issues, and problems with in-laws. Openly communicating with each other can get to the heart of the matter. Most couples that shut down do so to control the situation and ultimately realize that strategy doesn’t work.
Case in point, a woman came to my office for counseling and divorce coaching. She wanted a divorce and was not interested in reconciliation. When I asked her why she began to weep, “He will not talk to me about the problems in our relationship. I want to know what I’ve done wrong but he won’t tell me.” To her, this was a simple request. Her husband’s refusal to communicate with her led her to believe her marriage was over. I reassured her I would schedule a meeting with her husband to explore his reasons for avoiding meaningful conversation with her.
A week later I met with her husband and asked him why he wasn’t communicating with his wife. He acknowledged the fact and stated that he never saw his parents communicating with each other and didn’t have the skills needed to communicate with his wife. I asked him, “How did that work for your parents?” He admitted they rarely spoke to each other during their marriage. “Seeing how that didn’t work for your mom and dad, why would you use that tactic now? Your wife has been trying to talk with you and you have shut her out of your life. She wants a divorce. Is that what you want?” I asked. “Of course not”, he said. “I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore. She argues over every little thing!” I’m sure we all have been in his shoes where we argue and have disagreements once in a while with our spouse. I discovered later one that she used arguing as a way to get his attention.
There are many reasons why people justify divorce. Let’s look at some of the obvious ones:
• Physical and Internet affairs.
• Pornography additions (affects both men and women).
• Financial concerns.
• Serious long-term health issues.
• No longer in love.
• Addiction to drugs, food, alcohol, sex.
• Religious differences.
• Step children.
• Educational background differences.
These are just a few of the reasons for divorce. I’m sure you can add a few of your own to this list. If you’re thinking about getting a divorce take time to look at the divorce process from the very first steps to the final decree. That’s what we will explore in this series of articles titled “Deciding to Divorce.” We will cover what you can expect including the pros and cons of your decision. Yes, divorce can be painful. I have counseled many people over the years and have heard the heart-breaking confessions of many who regretted starting divorce procedures and the consequences that went with it. Be careful relying on friends for advice. Although well-meaning, friends don’t always give the best advice and can prove deadly to a fragile marriage.
A previous client of mine told me how she shared some of the baggage of her failing marriage with a close friend. Her friend also confided with her about her own bad marriage and proceeded to encourage my client to file for divorce. Her friend convinced her she would be free to date, start a new life and meet the man of her dreams. As I listened I knew what was happening. Her friend didn’t have the courage to change her own situation, but encouraged my client to do so. She was living her fantasies through my client’s divorce. My client got her divorce and every bit of pain that went with it. Several months after her divorce was final she told me she regretted what she had done. It was killing her inside. She realized she had kicked the man of her dreams by the roadside when she divorced him. The dating scene was awful and she had to find a job. She wanted her life back with her husband but he had moved on. Her life was in shambles.
In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.
Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!
