iF YOU'RE a mother like me, you've probably suffered from a guilt complex at some point on your maternal journey. Mothers often feel they don't measure up and they never sacrifice enough for their children.
Years ago, when a colleague of mine was bemoaning how she felt guilty about leaving her baby in the care of her maid, I felt puzzled by her overprotectiveness. After all, her mother was at home overseeing the situation and her baby was probably too young to notice her absence, anyway.
But by the time my own sons were of school-going age, I felt the same sense of guilt and regret - that I wasn't spending enough time with them, guiding them in their schoolwork and helping to shape their characters as much as I should.
While some parents would like to console themselves that it's about quality time spent with their kids and not quantity time, the truth is, young children can't really tell the difference.
According to Focus On The Family, an NGO committed to helping families, as far as children are concerned, the word "love" is spelt "t-i-m-e". What it's trying to say is that it's not about the material things that you shower them with or allocating a specific time out of your important schedule to be with them. It's about being there for them, even if it's just doodling on paper or watching a television programme together.
Of course, not everyone has that luxury. And in all honesty, I confess there have been days when I do get to spend time with my kids, that I want to run back to the refuge of my office where I seem to have a better handle on things and achieve more.
But the experts are right, you know. When my eldest son was two years old, he used to tell me: "Go away, I don't like you!" That was because Dad was Mr Good Time Guy and the person who would pick him up whenever he wanted to be carried. Mum, on the other hand, was a stickler for rules and discipline.
Of course, he was only two then and he grew out of that phase. I reckon it was also because I had the opportunity to spend more time with him when I was on maternity leave for my second son.
(These days, however, he's reverted to the same opinion of me. That's because he's a teenager with raging hormones, and I'm ruining his life by curbing his Facebook and Internet time, but that's a different story.)
Women generally feel more guilt than men simply because, well, we're built that way. We feel bad about not spending enough time with our children, for not sending them to enough activities, that we work and dedicate too much time to our jobs, we're not as good as our mothers, we can't cook, and our kids aren't perfect. In fact, we blame ourselves for a whole multitude of sins which no one is really blaming us for.
It doesn't help that the bar is constantly being raised. The A-lister Mum is always one step ahead. She reads up on the Internet and exchanges news on blogs on how to discover her child's inner creativity, and channel his or her inner potential to help them achieve better cognitive awareness. She enrols in courses on how to better plan for her child's activities to ensure they are educational and constructive, and can challenge their intellect and help their developmental skills. And it's not just about being able to cook, now it's all about organic food and choosing healthy alternatives.
How do you not compare yourself to your best friend, sister or colleague, who all seem to be doing a better job at mothering than you are?
It's a constant struggle because there's no system that can grade you - whether you're getting top marks for your KPI or if you've done a miserable job (but you hope by the grace of God, your kids still come out right).
It also doesn't help that reel mothers seem to be larger than life, juggling high-flying careers with family issues, and yet they always come out on top of things. The message the media is giving women is clear: if they can do it, so can you.
And so, women end up feeling guilty and inadequate as they can't accomplish all the things they want to do in both their careers and personal life. But who sets all these "industry" standards, anyway?
A wise friend once gave me her opinion: that God has a different plan for all of us. And not everyone is mapped out to be the company CEO or Reba McEntire (of TV sitcom Reba). For some of us, all you get to be is the best mother you can be to your own children. And it's perfectly acceptable to muck up sometimes. It definitely doesn't make you any less of a woman or mother.
I thought about it and it certainly made a lot of sense. So, I vote that it's time we women lay off the guilt trip and give ourselves a pat on the back for coming thus far
source : divaasia
Motherhood and guilt complex